Women face a unique set of challenges in their 40s and 50s. The list includes (but is not, unfortunately, limited to) nature playing havoc with their bodies, an empty nest, and, in an increasing number of cases, changes in their marital status. Bestselling author and clinical psychologist Dr. Venus Nicolino says while women have plenty to overcome, they also benefit from the wisdom and freedom that comes with age.
In a conversation on her popular podcast, “The Tea With Dr. V,” Dr. Venus Nicolino spoke about the issue of aging with Brooke Burke, a fitness expert, author, actress, and businesswoman who won Dancing With the Stars and later became a co-host for many years.
The two covered a wide range of issues around aging, including the idea of finding renewed joy in life. Dr. Nicolino said older women often better understand “what makes them tick and what doesn’t.” That can lead to them making changes for a variety of reasons.
“I think if we were in a room full of women in their late 40s, they probably would say it is a confluence of factors, it’s not just this one thing,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said. She added that many changes often involve escaping the trap of “feeling like we need to please everybody, and it’s our job to take on the emotional labor in the family.”
Both Burke and Dr. Venus Nicolino said part of making a positive change involves complimenting yourself more. “Give yourself a compliment, something that you believe you’re good at,” Dr. Nicolino said. She added that women should give themselves compliments they truly believe, not just parrot advice from others, because “there’s research that bears out that the more you tell yourself something you don’t believe in, the more you don’t believe it.”
Dr. Venus Nicolino on the Need to Enjoy the Process, Have Fun
Dr. Venus Nicolino is a Los Angeles-based bestselling author known for her insightful but irreverent (and often humorous) approach, something people can enjoy in her book, Bad Advice: How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls–t. Often known by her nickname, Dr. V., she holds a master’s in counseling psychology and a master’s and Ph.D. in clinical psychology.
In her conversation with Burke, Dr. V shared how she learned to treat herself better through her experience as a mother. She grew up as one of five children in a working-class neighborhood. As a child, she felt pressure to do well in everything, including getting straight A’s in school. Dr. Venus Nicolino said that with her own children, she puts the focus on process, not results.
“I want my children to enjoy their process. Because one thing that I didn’t have as a child: I didn’t have enough fun,” Dr. V said. “And I will often turn to my kids and say, ‘Are you having fun? Does this bring you joy?’ And by the way, fun does not always mean that it’s going to be f—ing fantastic; it just means that it brings you some passion.”
She now applies that same approach to speaking with herself. “I will often say, ‘Am I enjoying myself? Am I enjoying the process?” Dr. Venus Nicolino added that this extends to issues such as working out, where her goals have changed.
“I don’t work out to look good anymore. I don’t think about that,” she said. “What I think about this is the state of flow that I enter into, the meditative state that I enter into, connecting with my body in a very real way, being present with myself.”
Women Must Learn the Power of Failure, She Says
Another issue that women can overcome as they age is the fear of failure. It’s a fear that starts early in life. Dr. Venus Nicolino said that too often, young women are taught to be “perfect instead of failing,” which ignores how failure makes a person stronger. A recent study from Sweden found teenage boys report more life satisfaction than girls, with fear of failure ranking among the most important issues impacting a sense of satisfaction.
It’s an issue that can spill over into a grown woman’s personal life, said Dr. V, especially in connection with knowing when to end a relationship and not see it as a failure. “I think it’s a woman’s greatest strength — and can be her Achilles heel when we don’t know when to throw in the towel,” Dr. Nicolino said.
“It’s our strength, because we will work and we will work, but at the same time, we really need to ask ourselves, ‘Is it time to throw in the towel?’ So many of us don’t know when that is. We stay far too long in many relationships, even friendships, then we probably should have.”
A More Sophisticated Understanding of Sex and Love
Another area that can improve with age is sex. Dr. Venus Nicolino told Burke she is “experiencing an amazing amount of pleasure” as she gets older. She said part of it is the fact that as women age, “We’re comfortable in our bodies. We know where everything is. We’re not bogged down by societal shame which is put on our genitals, which is put on our bodies.”
Dr. Nicolino said women today are also more open to talk about pleasure and the female orgasm, rather than centering sex talk around the needs of men. “I have never felt more freedom,” she said. “I’m OK with my sense of self. I don’t have to please you, I don’t have to do anything for you. As a matter of fact, how can it go the other direction?”
In a video posted on her popular TikTok channel, Dr. Nicolino addressed the issues of love and relationships, including the need to have a more nuanced view as relationships evolve over time. She scoffed at the idea that people can fit the language of love into a few defined categories.
“Love is a free-range animal that resents being fenced in,” Dr. Nicolino said. “So, it’s wise to go with the flow of love and be open to a language you won’t always understand.”
